I worked today from 11-3:15, came home and helped my sister with dinner, then I ate a snack, starting to study afterwards. Before the sun set, my mom, sister, and I went on a walk with the dog - she was so happy!!! - then I sat down again to try and study. But I'm struggling with depression again.
I found it so hard just now to focus on the studying I need to get done, to memorize the pharmacology that I need to know. I just couldn't keep it together. I am frustrated with myself because I can't figure out the best way to handle this.
I realize that we all have our good days and our bad days. We all carry our own burdens. I know mine is no heavier or lighter than the next person's. My burden might seem light to someone else. But I don't ever doubt that the next person's burden isn't as heavy to carry as mine is for me. Because, even if I do know what that person is going through, for that person, it may be one of the heaviest things in the world.
But that's beside the point. It seems like that more days than not, I am just empty. Or feeling alone, hopeless, numb, whatever. And I hate it because I am letting my depression get the best of me. Which isn't healthy. I know it isn't. But I just have no motivation or will to change it.
I hate myself for even allowing it to ever control me. I know it's a mental issue, and the brain is a muscle. So, we should treat mental illness like we treat problems we have with our muscles. But, with mental illness, it's so much harder to deal with it. Because mind over matter, mind controls our bodies and how we perceive reality. But if something infects our mind, it alters our reality, it alters the way we think.
I just feel like ... I'm letting my depression defeat me. Sometimes it's not so hard to defeat depression. I tell myself I'm a good person, compassionate, caring, empathetic, loving. I find the good within me and I feel better. I move on. If that doesn't work, I listen to music or write, or find a different way to escape reality until I feel like I've defeated my depression for the moment, not the other way around.
But there are days where it seems depression is defeating me. And I just feel so lost, or sad, or self-hating.... until I feel numb, until I can't feel anything anymore.... until I'm empty. Then I'm just a shell, going through the motions, not even caring that there's a life that I have to live. That there's experiences out there that I'll be missing if I don't just "snap out of it."
What I hate is that society stigmatizes mental illness, and tells us that we SHOULD just "snap out of it" and go on with our lives. It's like telling color blind people to "just see colors" or a paraplegic to "just go walk" and you'll be okay. No, we help the color blind and the paraplegic and the diabetic and the handicapped.... But society won't de-stigmatize those of us with mental illnesses we can't see.
I don't know. Today is just an off day, and I hope tomorrow is better. But right now? I just feel numb. Completely empty. There's just nothing there. At all....
Well, it's almost dinner time. I better go help set the table and help get dinner together....
Have a good night, blogisphere.